my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
