True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
