I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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