I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
whose ass print is on the piano?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
