I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm like, not good at living.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
