It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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