I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
