smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
