I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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