Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
