Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
