I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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