You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
