i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just pee around me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
