My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
