does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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