Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
