I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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