My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
