Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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