i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
