i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
