People with herpes should wear stickers.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
