New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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