yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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