i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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