Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize