Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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