Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
