There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
