i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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