it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
