hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
