Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
