some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
