I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize