My cat gives me a boner
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
