my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
