saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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