Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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