Already got asked if we're dating
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
