i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize