It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
