I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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