I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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