If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
