I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
