My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
