areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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