i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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