Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
