I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
