I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
