Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he fucked my hip out of place.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
