Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
